Anxiety. Thoughts I thought were normal

When you are driving over a bridge and you envision it collapsing and how you will roll the windows down while also getting the kids out of the car seats midair before hitting the water and then waiting for the car to fill with water while holding your kids breath and not panicking until the car is full of water and you can swim out with both kids.

When you are anywhere in public and you feel that If your kid leaves your sight for a second they will be stolen and you will never see them again, you have already remembered exactly what they are wearing in case this happens.

When you are walking on a sidewalk and you have to hold on to you kids shirt or arm because you are certain they will leap Into oncoming traffic, you envision it happening it already feels so real. Leading to short patience for the hopping around little one, they don’t realize their life could be in danger. 

When you are watching 3 different people in your peripheral view to make sure they aren’t following you. It’s being afraid of being in a movie theatre alone thinking what If someone hid and is waiting for the next movie to attack. It’s making alternative routes when groups of people are standing around in case their intentions are to grab you or your kids and drive away with them. It’s imaging what you are would do in the situation. It feels like it’s about to happen; body in full flight or fight mode. It’s envisioning those bad intentions coming to reality and not knowing how to escape and getting your kids to safety. It’s walking with your car keys ready at all times and rushing to the car like someone is following you in broad daylight. 

When you analyze every little thing you say. You are thinking about what you will reply to someone when they are STILL talking because you don’t want to be sitting there with nothing to say back to them. When you feel straight up socially awkward at all times like everyone can see into your racing mind and know how uncomfortable you are. 

When you see a fire truck go by while your son is at school, you rush and drive by the school to make sure it’s not on fire because you already envisioned your son stuck inside a burning building with no way to get out because you know that no one can look out for them like a mother can. 

When you are home alone and feel like you have to look over your shoulder constantly. When you are showering in the house alone and get out multiple times to make sure you are still alone.

It’s being bed ridden in the middle of the day. When you overstuff your schedule when you are feeling good and then cancel when the day comes. 

It’s the need to have everything in your control. It’s driving yourself because when someone else is driving you can already see the car accident in your head. It’s triple checking car seat buckles. It’s hours of car seat research. It’s researching everything obsessively.

When you are afraid to walk by windows in the house at night because you think people are watching you. It’s being prepared and ready every night for someone to break in your house and how you will protect the kids while fighting them off and where they will hide and replaying this over and over again in your head. It’s constant fear of the worst scenarios imaginable. 

These feelings are real. It’s like a bottle of soda shaken up and the lid never releases pressure. It’s why when your spouse gets home at 5, you are done, maxed out. You are mentally drained and ready for bed. It’s why every outing is a tiring event that leaves you with days to recover from. It’s also easy to brush it off as just being a momma. Or just relax. Or just calm down. Or just don’t worry about it. 

I am the face of anxiety. 

Invisible to the eye doesn’t make it any less real to the person going through it. 

You are not alone.

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