3.11.2019

A wall put up


My counselor told me she feels like I have a wall put up around my heart because I have been hurt by friends in the past and now I am scared to let friends get close to me.

She is right, I am trying to protect myself, losing my best friend 2 years ago was the hardest thing I have ever gone thru and still going thru and honestly no idea why, she was my best friend for many years, lots of special memories together and now all I have is the memories and a maid of honor dress, a necklace and bracelet that sits there because I cannot bear to do anything else with it, it is all I have of her.

It means that people try protecting themselves by building walls, which means by acting a bit reserved. They act distant with everyone, just because they believe that letting people get close will hurt them. They never open up, or show that they're vulnerable.

Your walls are high because you learned the hard way that you shouldn’t trust anyone who tells you what you want to hear. You shouldn’t believe their sweet little lies until they prove that they mean it. You shouldn’t imagine a relationship with them unless you know exactly what they’re looking for.  You shouldn’t share your innermost secrets unless you know that they plan on staying in your life. You shouldn’t be vulnerable until you know they care.
Your walls are high because you’ve been that person before.  You jumped in with both feet, you trusted, you cared more, you loved, you waited, you forgave and you gave chances and they still left. It wasn’t enough to make them stay.
 It wasn’t enough for them to realize that maybe your love was truly the real one. The one they’ll always search for but never find. The one they’ll regret losing in ten years but by then it will be too late for you. The love they gave up on because they thought they could easily replace it. 
My walls are high because  tired. Tired of believing and giving and following my heart only to end up hurt or alone. I'm tired of trying to mend my heart with people who only break it. I'm tired of opening up only to get rejected. I'm  tired of thinking that this time it will be different only to be more of the same.
So you keep building these walls. You keep people at arm’s length. You become emotionally unavailable when you like someone. You’d rather let that person go instead of letting them in because it’s safer this way. This is how you protect your heart. This is you how you don’t get hurt. This is how you treat anyone you meet like they’re temporary because you don’t remember the last time you actually fell in love or found a relationship worth fighting for. You stopped trying. You stopped fighting. You stopped giving chances as you built your walls higher brick by brick.
These walls tell you not to make the first move. They tell you to curb your excitement. They tell you to take your time responding to them. They tell you that you should always have the upper hand. They tell you that they’re not genuine. They tell you people will eventually leave you. They tell that you’re better off alone. They tell you that you need a lot of more proof and actions before you trust someone. They tell you that people should ‘earn’ your love before you decide to give them your heart. They tell you not to feel. They tell you not to believe.
And maybe these walls protect me from heartbreak and disappointment. Maybe they keep me guarded and practical but they don’t make me feel alive. They don’t make me experience the high that comes with every text, every date, every kiss and every hand you hold. 
Sometimes we have to break our own walls every once in a while to remember that there’s a whole other world behind these walls. There’s so much to see. So much to feel. So much to love

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