Consumed with Grief

They say writing is therauputic so here goes...

I've never went thru anything like I have since July 31. 

I've never felt a pain like I have since July 31.

I've never known exhaustion like this since July 31. 

They call it grief and it doesnt just go away. 

I've had people die before, people I've been close to, people I miss every day but losing my baby sister is the worst pain I have ever experienced.

Pain & Guilt 

Guilt because I didn't go to Colorado as we laid her to rest, Guilt because my family needed me and I wasnt able to go.. people ask me...would Rachel want you to risk your recovery and go..no she wouldn't but I have guilt. This is something I am working on. 

As kids we fought like siblings do but when she moved to St Johns to be with me, we grew so close, and we have stayed that way, not one fight, or even a disagreement but that's who she was.  She didnt like to confront anyone so she would smile and sometimes pretend to agree. 

My sister wanted to be a nurse but when she met David, moved to Colorado she wanted to be a wife and a mom and she was so good at it.  She would do anything for Dave and those kids and now they begin a new normal without their mom and wife. 

Christmas was her fav time of year. I would always get pictures the day she started decorating, she would ask my opinion what should she buy for mom, dad etc.  we would always facetime while opening presents... This year I won't have that.  We will have missing gifts under the tree, missing person around our table and that hurts like hell.

This year she is celebrating in heaven where there is no sadness, no grief, no tears, no sickness, the only hope I have is that I will meet her again until then I will go thru the waves of grief, I will take care of her babies, and I will miss her every day.  I will never not think of her, this year she will be on our tree instead of gathered around it. 

Now im done writing because I am so tired, even my fingers are tired of typing.