Anxiety story ( the short version)

My Anxiety story!! It is long but I left out alot of it. 
My anxiety and depression story starts after I gave birth 16 years ago.

Almost, every woman goes thru Post Partum after giving birth... i knew something wasnt right but my dr told me I was ok and just "get over it".. i was terrified to be left alone with a new baby, what if something happened to me, to her, us?... i spent most days at a friends house bc being alone scared me to much

This went on for years. My sister moved in with us to babysit when I went back to work... work was somewhat a "safe"space for me...but when work was done I was scared of the dark etc.. i left my job in a moment of fear bc I felt I wasnt good enough...all this time my dr said you are okay and wouldn't help me... i laid in my bed for 2 weeks because I was so sad, so alone, so not good enough... i kept a box of dry cereal beside my bed and thats all I ate..

My friend called and said she was visiting from Alberta and wanted us to go to supper at Swiss Chalet, this being my favourite restaurant and a friend I truly cared for I pushed myself to go.. as soon as I entered the restaurant and sat down I got nausated, couldn't breathe, chest pains etc...this was my first panic attack..i left my husband, daughter and friend and I went to the car and called a friend who told me I needed to call Mental Health. Instead, i went to the ER bc I knew I was having a heart attack, my heart was racing, i couldnt breathe etc... nothing was wrong after they did tests but they suggested to call mental health so I did.

Mental health had me come in the next day and we talked thru a lot of things... we talked triggers, fears, etc. I got medication and I felt like there was hope after all. I had a lot of people praying for me so I was going to be okay...or i tried to believe that

Fast forward to 12 years ago.. anciety was still there, panic attacks were there but further and further apart, i was taken to ER by ambulance multiple times bc I was convinced I was having a heart attack or worst I was dying. i cant remember what happened to make me say what I said but I was sad, depressed, feeling hopeless and wondering if life for everyone would be better without me... so I said to my friend " I understand why people commit suicide"... no i did not have a plan or even thought of it... but the next thing I know...the police are at my door and I am being questioned... i was so embarrassed, scared, anxious etc... i was not suicidal but my friend was looking out for me and protecting me... they "watched" me for 6 months.. had some medication changes etc.

Then we moved from NL to NB 7 years ago and right now I am still struggling, it is not what it was, because God is doing a healing in me, we have to first realize he cares, we are made in his likeness, fear is not from him..i have had a rough 16 years with anxiety and panic attacks but about 2 months ago I was at church and I felt God tell me to just let it go, let him take the fears of the past and the future so i just cried out "please just take it", a peace settled over me and i have not had a panic attack since, yes I have some bad days but I start to worship and it quickly leaves. There are still days it invades me and I cannot control it. I do have a great Dr here now that truly gets it and she has been such a help to me. 

Since moving here I got diagnosed with PTSD which u can read here:https://www.terri-grothe.com/2019/06/new-diagnosis.html?m=1

My door is always open if you are struggling or just need a friend, anytime just reach out to me.

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