5.14.2013

Guest posting :)


Terri,

I would like to thank you for considering my post. This post is about me wanting to be "Invisamom", just desperately wanting a little "ME" time. Something as just taking a shower, actually eating and finishing a warm plate, has now become a luxury to me. Thanks for letting me share my story.

Invisible Mommy

I want to disappear sometimes. I really really do. Like a good old magic trick. Abra Cadabra! *poof* mommy's gone.....

It's so hard being a single parent. The lack of a companion that can help isn't there. I eat, breathe, shit, sleep, my son. I mean I don't mind it but at times I just want a break. F- that, I NEED a break! I love my darling baby. I really really do but there are times when he gets into his whiny mode (oh for the love of God, I hate the noise he makes) drives me crazy!. Maybe because one of my biggest pet peeves is WHINING! And he does it sometimes and its like OMG get me out of here! (that's where my disappearing act would come into effect).

When he whines, he's usually wants something. So since we do not speak the same language, I try my best to figure out what he wants. When all has failed and he doesn't want anything I suggested I feel defeated. Like, I have no clue as to what he wants. I know he is teething so I comfort myself with that answer. But his teeth has been coming in for a while now and he hasn't been a grump. I guess I am comparing him to other babies because I hear some not so pleasant stories about teething. And here is mine, just chilling, with a few whines here and there. I feel so awful when I get upset with him because I don't know what to do for him. I feel like a bad parent getting mad at him. I mean, how can I get mad at my sunshine? My little monkey, my baba, my first true love. He doesn't mean any harm. But yet, knowing all these things, I still get frustrated.

I sometimes wish his father was around during times like this because I need a breather. Just a cool, calm, collective moment to gain my sanity back. Even though I know his father won't be around, I just wish I had someone I can hand him off too time to time. There are times when he is in his crib or playpen and he goes into that mode that I hide behind the couch or under my blanket so he won't see me. I sometime stop dead in my tracks and stand there as if I am suddenly going to disappear. I know, that sounds soo awful! Please don't call child protective service on me, I really and truly love my son. I just hide for a little. 2-3 minutes tops! I wait to see if he will stop. If not then I go get him and see what he wants. Most time he just wants me and then the guilt kicks in. How could I leave him in there for 2 minutes when all he wants is his mommy. I don't know, maybe it's just me and a first time mommy thing. I'm still learning the ropes and trying my best when it comes to Archer. When he sleeps during the night, I stare at him and reflect about our day together and smile and then the 1 or 2 times I play invisamom makes me frown. I just want what's best for my son you know? I know I can give him things but sometimes I feel like I can't. How can 1 parent do everything? I'm still figuring it out. It's hard, very hard. I think I need to have more confidence in myself that I am prepared and can do it. This is just a random question and this goes for single parents and coupled parents do you guys ever feel that way? I'm starting to feel like a bad mom during those whiny moments.

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