1.26.2015

Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don't Nitpick


Want a Happy Marriage? Be Nice, Don't Nitpick
Thermostat settings. Dirty socks. Toothpaste caps. Our little habits make our spouses crazy. But no two people are ever truly compatible, so quit nitpicking each other, relationship experts advise. Save the battles for the big issues -- and you'll have a happy marriage.


For a happy marriage, here's how to deal with conflict:
  • Bring up things that bother you in a nonthreatening way. "Be nice. No name calling"
  • Bring up specific issues or behaviours, rather than personality qualities. In a happy marriage, there's no attacking the person. "Bring up the specific time, how you felt about it, then people can change the behaviour, "Otherwise, they don't know what to do about it, they're boxed in."
  • Use "I" statements. Instead of "you're a very messy person' say 'I'm really bothered when you put clothes on the floor." Such statements show how you feel about a specific behaviour, and that's important in a happy marriage.  
  • Try to stay calm. Studies show that the calmer you are, the more you will be taken seriously, "Take a breath, count to 10, breathe. Try to be nonthreatening.
  • Take a break. "If you're going back and forth, if you find blood pressure going up, take minutes or seconds, "Don't take hours. If you take too long, it festers in the other person, they've had time analyze it; you're dismissing their feelings opinions, dismissing them.
  • Don't bring it up at night. Choose the right time -- not when people are tired, hungry, when the kids are all around, when you've got a deadline at work. Those are not best times."
  • Consider your spouse's point of view, if you want a truly happy marriage.Studies show that every single action has a different meaning depending on if you are male, female, your race, your background. That is important to remember in conflict resolution."


Do you consider your self a person who Nitpicks or a Nice person?

21 comments

  1. These are totally true. It's so easy to feel like the other person is nitpicking when the conversation is just at the wrong time, too.

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  2. Yes, I absolutely agree! My husband and I fuss just once a month. People do not believe me when I tell them this. We only fuss with each other just once a month. Crazy weird I know.. But I often share that we honestly pick our battles. Some things are just not worth the arguments. We want a happy marriage yes and we totally do not nitpick on dumb stuff.

    Thanks for sharing this as many people need to know!!

    Janelle

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  3. These are great points! For the most part, I am nice - and yes, my husband would agree. Except when I'm overly tired. Then I nitpick at EVERYTHING, and have to end up apologizing LOL

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  4. I agree and I am not a nitpicker, been married 36 years and we get along just great, life is to short to bother with trivial things like who left the toothpaste cap off.

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  5. After 10 years of marriage I have learned the art of not nagging! These are all helpful tools. And we both have put conscious efforts into modifying our behavior when it bugs the other person. And I gave up and pick up all the socks! Lol

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  6. We need to be open and also still be loving, without being stepped on. Both parties have to want it to work.

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  7. These are great tips! Mine main problem is not keeping everything in until I just blow up.

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  8. Great tips for sure.. marriage is not easy and it really needs to be a 2 way street!

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  9. This is your niche Terri! I look forward to your marriage post. I still have things to work on over here. Thanks for the important reminder.

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  10. Nitpicking can really put a damper on things. Great post.

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  11. These are great. The greatest thing I have learned from marriage: If he leaves the cap off the toothpaste and it bothers you; it's your problem, not his. If it bothered him, he'd put the cap back on!

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  12. Bookmarked!! Great info; always good to check in with your spouse and these tips are very helpful

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  13. These are great tips! I know there are a couple things my husband and I could do, lol.

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  14. This is great advice that all of us need to work on.

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  15. So true! I just posted a blog on marriage with chronic illness. We deal with varying issues because of my illness, but "no nagging" applies to every marriage, lol! Thanks for reminding me I need to pay attention to the basics too!

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  16. I think that this is entirely dependent on how you are treated. I can be the nicest person but if I am treated badly, I get to be more of a nitpick one.

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  17. I pick my battles honestly. I agree though nit picking is needless. In the grand scheme of things love triumphs over all.

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  18. So true! It always helps to be nice to your husband :)

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  19. That title is SO simple but they are actually words to live by!!! So often we are not nice and choose to nit pick just to drive the other person crazy...why???

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  20. These are great tips. So simple yet so difficult for us to execute. Thanks for the reminders!

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  21. Great tips! I try to use "I" statements, but if you were to ask my husband, he'd probably say I'm probably more of a nitpick than anything :)

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