Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Depression part 1


As the world grieves Robin Williams, I wanted to write my thoughts of depression


It is known as the silent killer, the one that no one else can see and even understand, to many people are to quick to judge someone with depression, it is a scary disease.
It is a disease just like cancer, MS, kidney failure, etc... It is VERY REAL!


Now in 2014 there are many tools and things to help us out.
I to struggle with Depression and here is my story


I was diagnosed with depression back in 2004, just before Brooke turned 1 year. It started as post-partum for me. Although I truly believe growing up I always had a hint of it, I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, especially in high school, I felt like if people were talking, they were talking about me, saying nasty and mean things and that’s how I lived… wondering what they were saying now.
In 2005 it got very bad for me; it was at the end of 2005 that I decided it was time to go back to work after being on mat leave for 2 years… 

When Brooke was first born she had no interest in sleeping, all she wanted to do was eat and cry… she would eat and then she would sleep for maybe 5 mins then cry for 5 hours, wash, rinse, repeat .. this went on until she was close to one year… 
I was so tired all the time ( as you would be), it made me frustrated with people close to me, I yelled at my husband so many times, then I would feel so bad ( off course), I am so thankful to this day that we are still together.
I hated to be alone, I wanted some one with me at all times- I had so much fear in my life, it was not a healthy fear either…. I was terrified of the dark, terrified of the unknown, terrified of losing my husband etc.
I felt like I had no one who cared about me, sure I had siblings, parents, husband, inlaws but I felt like I could not be myself with them anymore.. I was so tired of feeling heart broken.
I would lay in bed all day every day, my sister lived with us and she took care of Brooke because I just could not, I wanted to be alone, no technology, no cell phone, no house phone, I wanted no contact with the outside world, my family was so worried about me, I was not eating food- the only food I wanted was “ Honeycombs”(cereal), there was a box beside my bed all the time and I would snack on them when I felt to sick.. I lost a lot of weight…


This continued for a month or more, I tried to find help. I talked to my doctor who didn’t think I needed medication, she kept saying it was post partum and yes it may have contributed but I don’t think that was the whole of it.
I wanted to find someone I could talk to, she did refer me to a clinic at the local hospital- it took everything in me to go there and try and talk thru this… they were of no help to me, they kept trying to tell me to “get over” it, not what I needed to hear at this time, I went a couple times but then I decided I had enough and didn’t go anymore.


Part 2 next Thursday 

5 comments:

  1. thanks for sharing your story. So many people struggle with depression at various degrees, myself included, but they don't talk or share it. This is how we can bring it out in the open and help each other.

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  2. It is very devastating what happened to Robin. This blog would shed light to understand more on how to deal with depression.

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  3. So sorry for your pain. I lived with my first depressive husband for 27 years, so I understand what you're going through. Don't make the same mistake he did, but taking your anguish out on the ones you love. Be kind to others and they'll reciprocate. Most of all--hand in there.

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  4. It takes a lot of courage to share a story like this. Thank you for adding your voice to the conversation about depression!

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  5. Thanks for writing your thoughts down here. It helps to understand.

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Thanks for the blogging Love