8.20.2014

Wednesdays for Women- Part 2 Depression

You can part 1 here 
Here is part 2 of my depression story:

Hitting Rock bottom was when i started thinking that people think I'm just lazy. . I'm just so empty and alone. I am married but he doesn't understand. I think he think I am just lazy. And pretty much tells me that. I felt like I needed to pick myself up and move on, but how... I had no idea how to over come this, all my family were very very worried, when I think about it now, I think what was I thinking, why did i let this happen to me, why didn't i have more control... when you are in a depression you cannot bring your self out of it. It is like you are weighed down by heavy chains that wont let you go, you are alone, your a no good, no one wants to be around you, you look in the mirror and cringe, you dislike what you see.. the face looking back at you don't like the face it sees, you feel like you have no friends, no family even though they live in the same house, you feel so alone and no idea how to break out of this thing called Depression.. 

Depression is a very very real thing, it ruins lives, people hit rock bottom and they have no idea how to get out of it, people say it is all in your mind, to an extent yes it is, but you cannot change that, people think you are crazy person if you are depressed, well I am here to say don't let them you from getting the help and the encouragement that you need during this time.  Surround your self with family who loves you, friends who care about you, write out your feelings, blog about them, share them with a councillor, they care about you, so please get some help...

I had a friend come to visit me from away she wanted us to go to my favourite restaurant for dinner, as a hope that it would pick  me up... Andrew went as well as Brooke and Michelle was one of my closest friends so I should have been OK..
 It was a bad idea.. 
 Remember I wasn't going anywhere, most days I got out of bed to go to the bathroom then i would go back to bed...
so going to the restaurant for me was a big ordeal, I felt very anxious on the ride there, met up with our friend and kept telling myself I can do this,
I
can
get
through
this...
 I was doing OK until it came time to order...
I felt like I was smothering, so i excused myself and went to the bathroom...took a few deep breaths and try again, this happened about 5 times, I did order my food, I only ordered soup because not eating for a few days, it was the most I could handle.
Before the food arrived, I had to get out of there.. Andrew knew what was happening and I had to leave the building all together and go out side for some fresh air, tried this a couple times and tried to go back in...each time it was worst. I had to go to familiar territory and that was the car, so I went and sat in the car while my hubby and my friend ate supper without me, they were not happy but I couldn't- my poor husband he was so tired of me being like this, yet he felt so helpless and wasn't sure what to do, that day he had enough and he was going to the doctor with me the next time he said..

This is the day I realized, ENOUGH already, I need to change this way of life, this way of life isn't the life I enjoy, I don't enjoy having so much fear, I don't like to have the scary thoughts of car accidents, kidnapping,  every move I made, I was scared around every corner was something bad going to happen, it had to stop because it was enough to drive me completely crazy...

Part 3: Next Week

6 comments

  1. I suppose it would be hard not to place blame on yourself. I'm sure it's a wonderful feeling to be diagnosed and know it wasn't your fault. I imagine it's such a difficult place to be.

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  2. Hi Terri, It is a long difficult journey to put the fear away to be there for your family. I love how you share it to encourage others toward hope.

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  3. Oh, it's sounds like you've been though so much. Take care and I always try to get out for exercise when I'm feeling low, and that helps.

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  4. I can't imagine how difficult it is to suffer from depression knowing that those around you are so affected by it! Thank you for sharing your story, your honesty, and the encouragement you bring to others!

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  5. You know with what Robin Williams probably went through silently, I really do feel for people who suffer from depression. My husband is one that suffers from time to time, and most of the time he keeps it to himself, but I wish he'd talk to me about it and tell me how he's feeling. He says its nothing in particular that makes him feel a certain way, its just something in his brain that isn't working right. So I understand more than you know. I used t think that it was because people failed to appreciate what they had, but now I see that really isn't the case. You sharing this will definitely help others!

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  6. I can't imagine. Thank you for sharing. You are helping so many. I hope you are no longer in fear. xo

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